Happy New Year….To Me!

I love New Years’ Eve! Love it, love it, love it. I love everything about it. I don’t even mind that it’s cold and I despise winter (summer babies understand this). Everything seems fresh, new and hopeful. Of course, I am silly enough to make resolutions that I do intent to keep, but somehow, wind up dismissing. Every year I vow to quit smoking, not because it is an unhealthy habit, but because I think I should quit. Well guess what? I am not going to pretend that a new year should trigger a desire to quit. I will quit polluting my lungs when I am good and damn ready to!! pplaath!

One goal that I will try to stick to (again) is going to the gym. I faithfully pay my membership fees every month, but very rarely show up to gunk up their equipment with my sweat. I realize that this is a very common problem, (not for the gym…they get paid and they don’t have to do anything for the client!) not their fault, I know. If I could get paid for doing nothing, I would! Truth is, I’m lazy. There I said it! Yup, I’m lazy! Wow, I feel better already! Theoretically, getting in shape ( isn’t round a shape??) should be a personal decision, a singular goal. However, I like and need to have someone with me when I do go. Not necessarily to “talk” with, but someone to motivate me to keep at it. A little competition never hurt anybody.  I think, perhaps, it is the whole misery loves company thing. One exception is kick-boxing. I like doing that alone. It is, for me, a very aggressive activity and I work out my issues on that stupid padded pole. I don’t think that my loved ones need to see that…they might take it personally or I might get committed.

This year I am going to get back to the things that bring me peace and pleasure. I love photography, writing poetry and making jewellery. I personally don’t think I am very good at any of them, but I don’t care, I like to do it. The past couple of years have been fairly shitty for me emotionally and I just didn’t feel like mentally exposing myself. One would think that would be the perfect time for self-expression, but the way I was feeling, it would have been a debacle.

At this stage of the game, I realize that my life, for all intents and purposes, is likely half over. I don’t want any regrets. Of course we all have them, and I have more than a few of them under my belt. All of us have experienced the “could of”, “should of” and “would of” syndrome. I can’t, for my own emotional health, do that anymore. I have had a few friends pass away this year. A couple of them died quickly, and I have to think painlessly, and a couple went not so quickly and I’m sure not painlessly.  Although my heart hurts at the thought, I have to thank “whomever” is in charge (who is in charge anyway? Is it Helen? and where did I leave my hand basket?) for reminding me that my time on this planet is NOT infinite. There isn’t any more time. I can’t bank time for later. I have to do it now. I AM going to write my “Bucket List” this week and make a point of doing all of the things on it that I want to learn and experience before die. On the top of my list is belly-dancing (I’m laughing at the visual, but I bet its fun!). I want to learn to speak Italian. No one in my family taught the kids to speak Italian because the “adults”, and I use that term loosely, didn’t want us to know what they were conversing about.  I, also, desperately want to sky dive. I really don’t care if I get splatter against a cliff or drown in the ocean…I simply want to fly.

Last, but certainly not least, I am going to stop being so angry. Several people that I love and care for very deeply (thank you ♥Michael♥, Annie, my “adopted” sister and my “baby” brother, Ed) have not so casually mentioned that I come off very angry. Really, I’m not (well, maybe a little) angry. I am passionate about what I feel and I have no problem saying what’s on my mind, but I don’t mean to seem so angry. It took a virtual stranger (much respect to you, Janelle) to open my eyes that I can, and do, get perceived at being angry. I will work on it.

My wish for everyone is to be healthy, joyful, prosperous and regret less. Do the things that make you happy. Love fully and be fully loved. Most of all, be kind to yourself. If you don’t or can’t care for yourself it is difficult and unfair to expect that someone else will. Much love and respect to all ~ ♥Desdemona♥

~ by desdemona on January 31, 2009.